Hey kids? Ever get sent to the principal’s office on a trumped up “ZERO TOLERANCE” charge? Well then, you didn’t have a sealed envelope in your pocket. You need to correct that misstep. There doesn’t even have to be anything in the envelope.
Allow me to explain.
You’re ushered to the principal’s office because you said something that someone else considers offensive. And, we’re not even going to get into the basis, content, or intention of your comment. Only you know what you meant, and despite their claims to the contrary, public educators cannot read minds, and are not omnipotent.
BUT, when you’re in the principal’s office getting that lecture they seem to enjoy giving, just before they call your parent to come in and pick up the derelict, ask very politely to use the principal’s letter opener. You can even try to imply that the envelop contains something pertinent to the matter at hand. And, in a way, it does.
When the principal, under the approving scrutiny of your teacher hands you that letter opener turn to the teacher while holding up the letter opener, “According to school policy and state law, weapons are not allowed on the school grounds. This letter opener falls under the category of knives and sharp implements. Per the “No Tolerance” policy in effect for this school, the principal is now in violation of state law, and Mandatory and Severe Consequences apply. Additionally, law enforcement should be called to escort the principal off the premises and potentially face criminal charges.“
Disclaimer and admission: I never did this. When I was in school there wasn’t anything called a “Zero Tolerance” policy. For the most part, we policed our own. Plus my dad was the principal in my school, so I was quite possibly the best behaved, most polite student you’d ever want to meet. Except for that one time…
Foolhardy Panjandrum 
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